HEADLINE ROUNDUP! DREAM THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM, BEE-YOTCH! In an attempt to promote great works of literature as an alternative to television, videogames and listening to old people talk about their medical problems, the Norwegian Book Clubs - a sub-group of the Nobel Institute - gathered together the opinions of the world's leading literary lights in an attempt to determine the single greatest novel of all time. The procedure was simple… a hundred writers, editors and esteemed professors of literature from fifty different nations were asked to name their favorite novels, and when the counting was done, one book towered over all others, receiving fifty percent more votes than the second most nominated: that book was Miguel de Cervantes' 17th century epic satire, Don Quixote. And so, once again, we see that political correctness trumps quality. How else to explain the shameful exclusion of such twentieth century giants as Danielle Steele, John Grisham and Tom Clancy - three perfectly good white people, who speak and write in English - from this contest's topmost ranks? I'll tell you why this happened... it's those fucking egghead ivory tower elitist intellectuals, thinking they're so much fucking smarter than the rest of us. They'll pay… one day, they'll ALL PAY!!! Folks, yer old pal Jerky's been had! Remember the story about Steve Huey and his .44 calibre miracle brain tumor cure? Well, it turns out to be a BIG FAT LIE, created by pranksters hell-bent on helping yer old pal Jerky make himself look like a blithering idiot (not that he needs it). So please feel free to consider this paragraph to be our official Daily Dirt retraction, correction and apology for playing a part in helping to spread this bullshit story. The shame is crushing, but at least yer old pal Jerky has learned an important lesson from all this... no more smoking crack while writing the Dirt! Before, maybe. After? HELL yeah! But during? NEVER AGAIN!!! *** *** *** TO SERVE THE INTERESTS OF THE POWER ELITE, AND PROTECT THE VESTED INTERESTS... While they rarely agree on public policy, Republican and Democratic officials charged with investigating the intelligence failures that led to the terrorist attacks of 9-11 can agree on at least one thing: the CIA and the Justice Department are stonewalling their efforts at every turn. Members of the Senate and House intelligence committees are getting so frustrated, in fact, that they have decided to launch official complaints directly to CIA Director George "SuperMario" Tenet, and Attorney General John "the Annointed One" Ashcroft. Among the complaints lodged against the departments is that the CIA is discouraging agents from cooperating with investigators, that they've failed to provide such basic information as agent e-mail addresses, and that both the CIA and the Justice Department have been taking their own sweet time in cooperating with document requests, apparently in an effort to take advantage of the strict time limits under which the investigative committees are currently operating. For their part, the agencies pointed out that they were "busy fighting a war," and scoffed at the bipartisan complaints. But with more revelations popping up every day - including this tasty tidbit about how the FBI was specifically warned about a potential terrorist attack on the World Trade Center using commercial airliners - you have to wonder if there isn't something more behind this orchestrated obstruction. In the meantime, yer old pal Jerky's got a question for any CIA or FBI folks who might be reading this: Why ain't y'all arrested that anthrax killer yet?! I mean, come on, people! You HAVE to know who did it! Arrest him already!

ON THESE DAYS! May 15 On this day in the year 1829, John the Baptist materializes somewhere in the American mid-west and anoints one Mister Joseph Smith, ordaining him to start the Church of Mormon. Of course, this is all according to Joe, himself, so you may want to take his story with a pound of salt. Also on this day, in 1991, while former CIA chief/then-President George Herbert Walker Bush escorts the Queen of England to a Baltimore Orioles game (I shit you not), the Defense Department releases documents showing that Central American dictator Manuel Noriega was, at one time, "the CIA's man in Panama."

THEY SAID IT! "People have their heads up their assholes. I'm sorry, but this is what the Conservative view is, OK? You have a healthy disrespect for the popular will. ... I think Bill Clinton is a sociopath." - This is only one of a great many times where former Stalinist and current ultra-conservative-far-right-wing propagandist and hate-monger David Horowitz - the cynical mini-Machiavelli who came up with the most ridiculous oxymoron of the decade so far: "compassionate conservatism" - accidentally reveals his true beliefs in this interview with Softskull Press cheif Sander Hicks. *** *** *** "Bill Clinton saved this damn country." - Our old pal Bartcop makes a damn persuasive argument.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Jean Le Rock... Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to Confession. "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site." Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?" Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid someone will break dey leg, so I fix de hole." Priest: "Well, that's not so bad." Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left." Priest: "What did you do with it?" Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Fideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta de weather, so I made him a doghouse." Priest: "OK, anything else?" Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So, you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I made a two car garage." Priest: "Now this is getting a little out of hand." Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left." Priest: "Yes?" Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always wanted a bigger house. So I added two bedrooms and a new bathroom." Priest: "OK, that's definitely too much. For your penance you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?" Boudreaux: "No, Father, but if you got the plans, I got the lumber!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Vicky... On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student piped up: "How much for a season pass?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Suze. Q: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? A: They're making headlines!

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; First, and must important, Shakira is not Argentinian she is Colombian. In fact most Argentinian hate her guts because some how they think she and her Argentinian boyfriend stole goverment money. Nobody knows if this is true. [Come on, dude. Seriously. Other than Argentina's aging Nazi population and Colombia's thriving coke wars, you know as well as I do that there is absolutely no difference between any two South American countries. Peruvians are exactly the same as Chileans, who are no different than Brazilians. This is a scientific fact that has been proven, using science. - Jerky] Jerky, confusing Argentinian and Colombians is as dumb as confusing Americans with Canadians, and please dont give us the is-all-the-same-shit-south-of-the-border crap. [Too late, dude! Besides, Canadians are indistinguishable from Americans... except for the French ones. - Jerky] You just made an ass out of yourself. [So what else is new? I'm supposed to start being worried about making an ass of myself NOW? After three-and-a-third years doing it?! No... I think I'll stick with my self-absolving shamelessness, thank you very much. - Jerky] Second, reagardless of where she is from, and if she's got any talent or not, I (and probably many of your readers) prefer a blonde wagging a vagina in our face to try to sell us something over any other approach to reach consumers. [Listen, dude. I'm not saying I'd kick her out of my bed for smoking crack. I'm just saying she's a fucking WHORE parading as an artist, is all. If you have no problem with that, then bully for you! By all means, continue to enjoy her music in whatever venue it appears. But for the love of the Virgin Mary's bloody cunt, can't a misanthrope spew his irrational venom all over the Internet without getting "called on it" by some South American NIT-PICKER alla-fuckin-time?!?! Jeezis-fuckin-KRYST, man... don't you have anything better to do with your time?! - Jerky] Come on Jerky, if you have to watch comercials, what would it be? Sports figures? Cartoons? [I prefer my commercials to feature cartoons of sports figures having sex with Shakira, or your mother, depending on whichever one is available at the time. - Jerky] Sorry bro, many males stick to sex. [That is neither their fault, nor their choice. Sex is, after all, a sticky wicket... even the kind of televisually-assisted sex a potential consumption-unit might have with Shakira as she gyrates and implores him to "dring Pessi." The whore... - Jerky] The way I see it, and making sense out of your lines, it probably made you angry because after you saw the commercial, it turned you on, and you could get an ass like hers to bang. Signed: Santiago Beron [Once again - for the final time in this letter - you prove yourself to be a master of the obvious. Anyway, don't let one of those Peruvo-Columbio-Uraguayan spidermonkeys bite you in the ass on your way out! I hear their venom clouds your mind, potentially making it difficult for you to continue "making sense of my lines." - Jerky]

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: WHAT IS EVIL? Care of: Prophetof61. EVIL? In your NEVERENDING PARADE OF IDIOTS Edition, you call the village idiot evil for tossing a tot to the dog in the vain attempt to save himself. I think your catholic training is still clinging to your brain. Allow me to help you purge this remaining vestigial remnant of your former indoctrination. The original idea of good and evil was a primitive attempt to understand what seemed to be mysterious human behavior. When Og bashed Mog's head in with his club, this was deemed bad and most assuredly the work of an evil spirit. Not withstanding the unknown fact, Og wanted Mog's ole lady. When a saber toothed lion drags away Og's new ole lady for a feast, this is also clearly the work of an evil spirit. And so on to this day. This good vs evil is also currently used by religion to absolve oneself of responsibility for one's own actions. Flip Wilson: "The devil made me do it!" The only standing tornado victim, "God was watching over me!" The simple fact of the matter is that there is only the choice of destroying or creating. Depending on your intelligence, training, and experience, you may decide to throw a helpless person to the dogs in order to save yourself or not. This is life. We are only one part of infinity. I have admired your penetrating wit and scathing humor for a couple of years now. I would miss your Dirt if you fucked up and accidentally got yourself saved because a small back door in your brain was left open. Don't scoff! I've seen it happen. I thank you for doing your part in derailing religion from its unintended purpose to wipe us all from the face of this world in exchange for its mythical heaven. Have fun! Prophetof61 [Funny shit, mang! However, I still hold fast to this one moral principle: NO THROWING BABIES TO DOGS! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com