MORE RUSH-JOB FILLER STUFF MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA Okay, I want you to do something for me. First, watch this. When you're done watching that, watch this. Now, watch this again. Now read this. Finally, drop me an e-mail to let me know what you make of it all. What happens when Pacman becomes addicted to crack cocaine? One of two things. Either a) he turns into Crackman, or b) he goes on the ride of his life. Either way provides you with some fine distraction from the horrors of everyday life. So… how big of a diplomatic disaster was last week's visit by Chairman Hu and other Chinese leaders? Read this Asia Times overview for all the mortifying details. A new study has revealed that every psychiatric expert involved in writing the standard diagnostic criteria for disorders such as depression and schizophrenia has had financial ties to drug companies that sell medications for those illnesses. Nice work if you can get it. Preznit Dubya is The Decider, koo-koo-kachoo! Come out of your hive and dance, monkey! DANCE!!! Signs, signs, everywhere signs. Blockin' up the scenery, fuckin' you up. Some people have fetishes so freaky, they can only be satisfied by a trip to the carnival... literally. Holy shit! It's like the Uglitron has come to gruesome, grisly life. How lucky for me that TV Turnoff Week coincides with me getting my cable cut off for late payment! Here's a bunch of cancer jokes collected by some dude who's got cancer. Gallows humor is twice as potent when it's coming from a dude with a noose around his neck. Here's a heart-warming story about how, thanks to the gumption being displayed by certain individual states (three so far!), the probability of Preznit Dubya getting impeached is growing with every passing day. The legacy of Chernobyl, via the lens and voice of photographer Paul Fusco. Be prepared; this is not easy viewing. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 21 On this day in the year 1910, rumors of Mark Twain's death turn out not to be so "greatly exaggerated," as the once-and-future Samuel Langhorne Clemens shuffles off this mortal coil. Interesting fact #1: Twain was born in a Haley's Comet year, and he went out in a Haley's Comet year. Interesting fact #2: He was no relation to Shania. On this day in 1997, psychedelic drug guru Timothy Leary and television sci-fi pioneer Gene Roddenberry are launched into orbit together. Unfortunately, they had to die, then be burnt into a pile of ashes before they could make the trip. But yer old pal Jerky's pretty sure they'd tell you it was totally worth it, if they could. On this day in the year 1986, intrepid sleuth Geraldo Rivera cracks open Al Capone's vault on national TV and finds ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, forever cementing the nation’s opinion of him as a first-class boob, eyeglasses and Afghan excursion notwithstanding. April 22 Remember the 486SX chip? It was released by Intel on this day in 1991. If you're still using one, maybe it's time to start thinking about getting an upgrade. Come on! Do it for the 'CONOMY! On this day in 1999, heavy-metal band Slayer cancel performances in Colorado in order to avoid controversy relating to the Columbine massacre in Littleton. Meanwhile, it was business as usual for Colorado's hundreds of gun stores. On this day in 1864, the USA mints a 2¢ coin upon which the first appearance of the monetary motto In God We Trust is engraved. And that's why yer old pal Jerky had an 1864 two cent piece epoxy'd to the bottom of his crapper (as a target) for a while back in the 80's. April 23 On this day in 1014, the legendary "luck of the Irish" must have been off in the bushes taking a dump or something, cuz it sure wasn't there for King Brian Boru. The Irish sovereign had probably just begun gloating over news of Ireland's great victory at the Battle of Clontarf, when the very Vikings his son's army had just defeated accidentally stumbled upon his encampment. Needless to say, the Vikings went berzerk, slaughtering everybody they could get their hands on, including the elderly King Brian Boru. On this day in 1932, Jim Fixx is born. Jim was a notorious health nut who wrote numerous books about the health benefits of jogging. In 1984, at the age of 52 -- whilst jogging -- Fixx drops dead of a massive coronary. To quote Nelson Munz: "HA-ha!" On this day in 1985, Bill Cosby forever besmirches his reputation as a product endorsement guru when he goes on national television and starts swearing up and down that he really, honestly, truly does prefer the taste of New Coke over that of the original formula.

THEY SAID IT! "Jesus, I don't know if any of you have heard what has happened to me yet, but I just want to remind you not to be sad. Laugh, that's what lifes about. When it is all said and done, and all the bullshit is cleared away, it is the ones you love who you will remember." - Myspace.com is so fuckin' awesome, man. Where else can you read suicide notes posted by real life American soldiers in Iraq? Reason #523513408 why the Internet has to be taken away from us, for our own good. *** **** *** "It's been a prevalent notion. Fallen sparks. Fragments of vessels broken at the Creation. And someday, somehow, before the end, a gathering back to home. A messenger from the Kingdom, arriving at the last moment. But I tell you there is no such message, no such home -- only the millions of last moments... nothing more. Our history is an aggregate of last moments." - A bit of disquieting wisdom from Gravity's Rainbow, a Great American Novel by Great American Novelist Thomas Pynchon.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Andres Raid! One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke. Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!! So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Kerusty Klown... John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, hens, called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too, but on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result - the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly, Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PRUNING THE POPLAR OF STATE care of: An Old Marine Jerky; Many hugs and kisses for you, old pal. PERPLEXED tells us that we can’t reduce the threat of tyranny by focusing on one single branch (The Daily Dirt, 4/13/06). If he is referring to one branch of our tripartite system, he is absolutely right. Republicans now control all three branches of our federal government, which is in the worst state of disarray I have witnessed in my 44-plus years as an American citizen. Being anti-Republican today is the logical sentiment for any American who loves his/her country. Our federal government has been hijacked by very powerful parasites. Clinton very well may have been a puppet President. There is no doubt that he was/is a bit of a tomcat, but his administration was competent, and at least had the appearance that it worked to serve the common good of all Americans. On a side note, I wonder how many suicides have occurred during George the Usurper’s reign? Hunter S. Thompson comes to mind. He probably couldn’t abide the thought of re-living the Nixon era. And Gore definitely has his shortcomings. But at least he was elected in 2000, a claim the Usurper will never be able to make. Focusing on one branch of Perplexed’s metaphorical tree whilst pointing accusatory fingers may really be misguided and blinded to TPTB’s subterfuge. But it is natural to stare and point and yell when one sees criminals performing criminal acts. While Democrats bear responsibility due to their duplicitous inaction, Republicans, and those they embrace and who embrace them, are the ones who have derailed our federal government off the course of public service since 1994. Republicans, enabled by Gigantic Media Moguls, have pulled the greatest “bait and switch” con the world has ever seen. Even if there was no Terrible Scheme in place designed to hijack the federal government with the 9/11 attacks, the federal government has still been hijacked by a herd of chimps who call themselves Republicans. They have wiped their asses with the Bill of Rights. They have screwed the Masses for their own personal gain. They have abandoned almost every American while serving their own selfish and greedy interests. And they have sent young American men and women off to die in foreign lands for a False Cause. Republican motives may be pure, and they may genuinely feel that their work has been good and will bear good fruit for the Public in coming years. But the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Republicans have turned this road into an autobahn, complete with its own high-speed lane. There is an impending and inevitable crash over the Right Wing’s horizon. When it finally happens, it will truly be spectacular. And there is small hope that it can be avoided. But the way to minimize the damage takes us back to Perplexed’s tree metaphor. There is a poplar tree in my front yard that became infested with parasites. To save the tree, I had to treat the affected areas and prune off diseased branches. This radical solution put off about two years worth of growth on this young tree, but it otherwise would have been lost entirely. Since I performed surgery on this poplar, it has rebounded, and it continues to grow and flourish. I, for one, feel that we need to prune off the pack of nefarious Republican bastards who have hijacked Red State America so that this tree we call America can be rid of its parasites. And that’s MY view from the cheap seats. An Old Marine Smyrna TN [Well said as always, sir. Semper Fi! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky; This innovative history programme is based around Robert Newman's stand-up act and supported by resourceful archive sequences and stills with satirical impersonations of historical figures from Mayan priests to Archduke Ferdinand. Quirky details such as a bicycle powered street lamp on the stage brings home the pertinent question of just how we are going to survive when the world's oil supplies are finally exhausted. Conor [Population target 500,000,000, baby! We can do it if only we put our minds (and genetically engineered plagues) to the task! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Here is an article that articulates very nicely what evil is and who has that market cornered. It didn't surprise me who the winner was. YOP, Bob [Funny how one of the most common denominators for being evil is the belief that you're morally perfect. - Jerky] *** **** *** Re ACD and b2's editorials, a few years ago, i got me a bicycle. works for me. Bob [What about those of us who are too fat for two wheels? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky-man, N8Possibilities is dead-on in instances where mylar, polycarbonate or Lucite is used as the reflective panel. However, the fingernail test won't work on glass mirrors as the only thing separating a 2-way glass mirror from a standard glass mirror is the opaque backing coat. One may test this for one's self simply by taking a nickel or a little paint remover (paint remover is best since there's no risk of damaging the reflective layer) and stripping away the paint on the back of the glass. Turn the viewing side toward the sun and look at the back. Enough said. Here's a free tip to all the paranoid people/aspiring pornographers out there: all you need to easily turn a mirror into a surveillance window is an RF micro-cam, and a tube of silicone caulk or black, double-sticky foam tape. Remember to punch a hole for the lens if you use tape or be sure not to get caulk on the lens and to allow for the manufacturer's recommended drying time before re-hanging if you use silicone. Do not use epoxy; it will come loose the very first time there's a temperature change of more than 5 degrees. Also for the paranoid: check the backs of your mirrors often... especially if you're involved in anything shady. And you might consider checking all your electrical outlets/power strips for listening devices as well. The Mad Doctor [Good tips. Danke! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, This site is exceptional, especially when one considers it was done by a 15-year-old girl named Ava Lowery who is fed up with Bush and his bullshit. Check it out. It's heartbreaking, but you'll be glad you did. John [It's so good, she's getting death threats because of it. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Why should I worry about this when the government says that everything will be just fine. Trust us. YOP, Bob [Hey dude, chillax! It's just a mini-nuke-sized explosion on the outskirts of Las Vegas. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerkster: I get so tired of all those Yo Momma jokes. How come there ain't no Yo Daddy jokes? I came up with some, and I feel like throwing them at you! Meanass Bitch Yo Daddy so horny, you got a brown brother that you will never meet. Yo Daddy is such a drunk, he thinks that cheap red wine is a vegetable. Yo Daddy still thinks that The South won. Yo Daddy is so pasty-white that he has to put on sunscreen just to go outside and get the mail. Yo Daddy so lazy, he wants the Mexicans to take his job, please. Yo Daddy is such a horndog that your son is older than your brother. [Jerky approves. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com